A Precious Past, A Hopeful Future.
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Parents' Grief The First Few Days The Early Weeks The Following Months and Years Mothers and Fathers May Grieve in Different Ways Children and Grief Grandparents Extended Family Members and Friends Carers Theories and the Media
When someone we love dies, we grieve. Feelings of grief can be intense and even frightening, but it is important to realise that these feelings are a normal and natural expression of our love and sense of loss. It can be helpful to know of the reactions and feelings you may experience following your baby's death.
Parents' immediate reactions to the death of their baby vary, but the most common initial reaction is shock. Some cry or scream, others are numb to feel anything, dismissing the event as unreal or just a bad dream, wishfully thinking that they are to be told it's all over. These are all ways of coping with the traumatic event. On the other hand, you may feel a strong sense of reality, yet a certain detachment as though you are an onlooker. If you have other children, you may find it difficult at this time to attend to their needs. They, too, are hurt, confused and grieving in their own way. It may be helpful to ask a close relative or friend to assist you. After the post-mortem has been carried out, you may wan to go and see your baby. This is to be encouraged, not just for the parents, but for other members of the family, including children. Not everyone feels able to, or wishes to, do this, as each person's way of dealing with the death is unique to them and is not open to criticism. This visit is a chance to say a final goodbye and is a very important time for the bereaved and should not be rushed or inhibited. Holding and hugging your baby, perhaps taking a photograph are all part of saying goodbye and all help towards acceptance at a later stage. Important decisions regarding funeral arrangements, possible religious ceremonies and the type and place of burial must be made at this time. There are no hard and fast rules and many options exist. These decisions should be made by the parents themselves and should be given time to consider what is right for them and other family members, especially children. Some people find it helpful to talk to the Hospital Chaplain. For the mother who was breast-feeding, engorgement of the breasts may be very uncomfortable, and a sad reminder to the baby. Seeking your family doctor's advice can be helpful. A special case that may arise would be the loss of a twin through Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. This will inevitably make parents very anxious about the surviving twin and they may feel the need for additional paediatric support at this time. Indeed, paediatricians are an important source of advice and help for all parents whose child has died of SIDS.
Parents often say their arms ache to hold their baby. For weeks, parents may find it difficult to believe their baby is really dead. They may imagine they hear their baby cry, or may think that they see their baby's face. Some find it hard to sleep or may have distressing dreams. There can be feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Parents blame themselves and each other. They live and relive every minute of that tragic time, wondering what they could have done, or failed to do. Feelings of intense anger are common. Some parents find they cannot concentrate or cope with their ordinary daily routine. There may also be physical symptoms such as exhaustion, dizziness or loss of appetite. Gradually, these symptoms should lessen. If there are any sensations such as hollowness in the stomach or tightness in the chest, it is wise to check with your family doctor to rule out any medical cause. Otherwise, these sensations are a normal part of grieving. Some parents have an irresistible urge to get away, while others dread being left alone. Sometimes, they withdraw emotionally from their other children or from each other, perhaps feeling irritable with them, and then suffer guilt feelings because of this. They may become excessively concerned for their own safety and that of their other children, and have heightened fears of danger. All of these emotional reactions are part of the normal grieving process. Talking them over with your family doctor or public health nurse can be helpful. Medication such as tranquillisers or similar drugs have no place in the grieving process. You may also find it helpful to share your feelings with a close friend or SIDS parent. A good listener is therapy in itself. ISIDA provides a Parents will be contacted by a person from the National Sudden Infant Death Register. The Registrar will arrange to visit you, will willingly share up-to-date information about SIDS, and invite you to take part in ongoing much needed research, once you are able to do so. Parents tend to feel isolated and extra sensitive to the attitude of friends or neighbours, who generally underestimate the depth of the parents' grief and may, through embarrassment and not knowing what to say, try to avoid talking about the baby's death.
People expect to recover much sooner than they actually do. Intense grieving can last for a short or long period, possibly with a great upsurge of grief on occasions such as anniversaries of the baby's birth or death. People grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time, sometimes for several years. An important part of what is called the grieving process is to talk through the grief again and again. Parents need compassionate listeners: family; friends; clergy; social workers and public health nurses. At this time, they can benefit greatly from the support of parents who have experienced a similar loss and who have literally worked through their grief. It can give newly bereaved parents comfort and hope for the future.
When a child dies, both mother and father grieve intensely. Sometimes, this draws the partners closer together, but in many cases, it can cause strain in the relationship and may lead to further loneliness and isolation. A mother's grief tends to be more obvious, while a father tends to suffer in silence and suppress his feelings. Often, they think they are supporting the mother by not talking about their baby. Bereaved couples need to understand these differences and it can be helpful to talk it over with another parent or couple who have themselves experienced a sudden infant death. ISIDA can arrange this through its Befriending Service. Please understand that grieving is a healing process, which takes place over a long period of time. It is unique to each person and does not follow a set pattern. For a variety of reasons, some parents will be coping alone with the loss of their child. Often when such a loss occurs, the other parent may wish to return and/or participate in the funeral arrangements. This may place strain on them and either parent may have feelings of guilt. In other instances, a parent will have to go through the grieving process without his/her partner. This can be a very lonely experience. The support of family or friends is much needed at this time. Please talk to the ISIDA about getting in touch with someone who can help.
Children are affected by a death in the family, a fact not always appreciated by older people. Parents should anticipate that their children will have problems for a while. Very young children often see death as temporary and reversible. Older children become very intrigued by the concept of death and need some answers. A study showed that the majority of children tried to question their parents about the baby's death, but that less than one third of parents felt able to encourage their children to talk about their loss. Children are acutely aware of their parents' grief and are not deceived by pretended cheerfulness. They may then hide their own grief to protect their parents and suppress their natural curiosity about death for fear of causing their parents upset. An adult whom the child trusts may be able to deal with their questions, fears and feelings. Explain truthfully to your children, at a level they can understand that the baby died as a result of SIDS. Use factual language, for example use the word 'dead' instead of 'at rest' or 'asleep', and 'coffin' and 'grave'. Answer the questions in a simple, direct way. It is very important to give answers that can be built on at a later stage, and not answers that have to be 'unlearned'. The more a child understands, the less he/she will fear. Remember not to mix medical and religious reasons. The baby was not taken because God wanted him/her in heaven - this type of explanation causes many problems for children. In facing your own grief openly with your children, you show them that it is alright to cry, to be sad, to be angry, to laugh and to use the baby's name. You should not keep up a pretence in front of the children. If we are evasive, children may feel guilty and responsible for the baby's death through something they have thought, felt, said or done, perhaps in a moment of jealousy. Parents may wonder how involved their children should be in seeing the baby and attending the funeral. Many specialists in child development believe that if children are old enough to say hello, they are old enough to say goodbye. While acknowledging the loss and love for the baby who has died, assurances of love, security and of safety to the other children are very important. Therefore, it is helpful if children participate in the ceremonies and rituals by attending the funeral. It is important to prepare the children with honest, factual information about what will take place. A child's grief can be expressed positively, for example, through drawing, writing letters, poetry, stories or planting a tree. These expressions are to be encouraged. Remember your children will continue to need information on your baby's death. Try to be open to their questions. Avoid being overprotective or overindulgent. Bereaved children lose their sense of security; they will be made to feel more secure by having them follow the same rules, discipline and limits etc. that existed prior to the death. Expect your children to test the limits and rules you set. If at any time you are concerned about how your children are coping, remember they too grieve in different ways at different times. It may be helpful to talk it over with your family doctor, public health nurse, other health care professionals, or to contact ISIDA during office hours for further information at: 01 - 873 2711
The grandparents may be severely shocked and bewildered by a sudden infant death. A grandchild may be very precious and important to them and to lose this child suddenly and unexpectedly can upset them greatly. Grandparents suffer a double grief - the death of a loved grandchild and the grief of seeing their own child's sorrow and pain. Sometimes, grandparents feel that they should set an example by being controlled and coping well and so may not get the opportunity to express their own grief. Understanding by grandparents of what is known and what remains unknown today about SIDS is vitally important because, otherwise, they may become unduly questioning about, or even critical of, the care that was given to the baby. This can add to the grief of the parents and sow the seeds of family disharmony. It can be useful to give grandparents a copy of this booklet or they may like to talk it over with their family doctor, or to contact ISIDA.
As with grandparents, extended family members and friends also experience shock, bewilderment and grief at this time. They may themselves have young babies and experience great fear for them. This fear may hinder them in supporting the parents. It is important that such fear be allayed. Seeking their family doctor's advice or phoning the ISIDA can be helpful.
Sometimes the baby is in the care of grandparents, other relatives or minders when the death occurs. At first the parents may tend to blame themselves for having left the baby. The minder will also feel shocked and responsible. These are natural reactions and will need sympathy, explanation and reassurance. It is also natural for parents to seek details of the events surrounding their baby's death. It can be helpful if the carers and parents can talk together about the baby's death and share the grief. The carer in charge will need reassurance that he/she was in no way responsible for the baby's death. It is important for everyone to understand that, in our present knowledge, SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented, and that no one is to blame. It may be helpful to give a copy of this book to relatives, minders or friends.
SIDS has been called the "syndrome of theories". Hardly a month goes by without some reference to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in the media. This can be very positive because it raises community awareness of SIDS and of the urgent need to find its causes and means of prevention. However, it can also be unsettling for parents as some of the reports are sensationalised or undue importance is given to under-researched claims as to the cause of death. Please remember that no matter what you have read or been told, the current situation is that no one knows what causes SIDS or how to prevent it. While the recent guidelines have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS, how they work is unknown and SIDS sadly still happens. If you are worried or upset by a SIDS article you have read or a theory you have heard, please get in touch with ISIDA and we will be glad to check the accuracy of any report. |
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