A Precious Past, A Hopeful Future.
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A Subsequent Baby Can It Happen Again? For Anyone Who Wishes To Help...DOs and DON'Ts You Are Not Alone
When a baby dies, many well meaning people try to persuade parents, that having another baby as soon as possible is the best, the quickest and the only way to get over the death of the previous child. However, when thinking about having another child, it must be clearly understood that having a new baby will not necessarily make the feelings of pain and loss caused by the death of the previous baby disappear more quickly. The new baby will never replace the dead child, but will be unique and different ad will develop his/her own personality as the weeks go by. The decision to have another baby is a very personal one. It should be made by the parents themselves, based on their own reasons, and with as little outside influence as possible. Many parents do want to have another child and if the only thing stopping you is the fear that your next baby will also be a victim of SIDS, please remember that thousands of parents like you are now happily bringing up their later children. You may find it helpful to speak to a parent or parents who have had subsequent children. Seeking the support of your family doctor and obstetrician can also be helpful, or you may like to phone ISIDA's
The chance of the tragedy recurring in your family is remote. Any future babies in a family run no more than the small risk of about two per thousand. Although many parents doubt their ability to cope with another child, there is no reason why you should not have another baby in due course, if you desire one.
If you have a relative, friend, neighbour or colleague who has had a Sudden Infant Death and you wish to help them, you may find it useful to read the following which ISIDA has compiled through many years of listening to and supporting bereaved families. |
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| DO say that you are sorry about what
has happened and about their pain. DO allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share. DO reassure them that they did everything they could, that there was nothing they missed and that there was nothing ANYONE could have done to save the child's life. DO be available to listen, to help with the other children, to do whatever else needs doing at the time. DO give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters. They too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give at this time. DO remember the child's birthday and anniversary with the family, if they want you to. DO understand that the resolution of grief takes a long time and is not necessarily over in a matter of weeks or months. DO let parents know that ISIDA is there to help. |
DON'T say "It could
have been worse if…". For parents, there couldn't be anything
worse than the death of their child. DON'T say "You have an angel in heaven." DON'T avoid mentioning the child for fear that you will remind them of their pain. They have not forgotten. DON'T point out that at least they have other children. Children are not interchangeable. DON'T say that they can always have another baby. Even if they want to, or can, have another child will not replace the baby who has died. DON'T assume that because life appears to have "returned to normal" that it has done so for the family. DON'T change the subject when they mention the child. DON'T say " You ought to feel better now." Or anything else which implies a judgement of their feelings. |
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How can we help you? ISIDA offers a support service that is strictly confidential and is provided by trained staff, as well as parents who have themselves experienced the feelings of grief, loss and isolation that followed the death of their child. This service is available on an individual or couple-to-couple basis. Contact can be made by telephone or letter, and you can also meet with befrienders. The ISIDA office is open from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday and callers are welcome. ISIDA operates a Befriending can be arranged to help and support you immediately after the death of your baby and in the weeks, months and years that follow. We are available to provide support, understanding and information. Please contact us if you are feeling low, having a bad day, are concerned about a subsequent pregnancy, or if you are anxious about your other children. Parent-to-parent support is complementary to, and does not replace, professional counselling. ISIDA hopes you have found this information helpful and informative. Please contact ISIDA if you require further information or wish to avail of any of the services offered. |
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